This Time It Is Personal

I write wondering if this will be one of those blog posts. You know the ones –  the writer vents about his or her life, with palpable emotion, that allows you to speculate about how it all will end. And, I have decided, so what if it is?

I have always been a dreamer. Not the, magical unicorns and princess type of dreamer but, the I-will-do-something-great type of dreamer. As a matter of fact, I remember being really young, probably 10 or 11 years old, having this overwhelming feeling that I would be great. This definitive affirmation over my life was not a notion of fame that I’d latched on to. It was an internal declaration of what I believed about me and the possibilities with which I would be presented.

For the most part, I have worked since the day I turned 16. When I started college there were times that I had to choose between school or work – work always won. Holding down a full-time job, and at times two jobs, made it difficult to make school a priority. In any case, I have worked some pretty decent jobs and had never thought twice about being able to find a work when I finished college.

Needless to say, finishing school took forever. I am now 35.

My very last semester of school, I gave up my job because the company I worked for  decided not to accept my revised schedule. For the first time, since I had been in school, I did not have to take out any loans, so it was an offer I could not refuse. I prayed and then stepped out on faith. I had no income to speak of; however, I kept telling myself that once I got out of school, with my degree, that getting a job would be a piece of cake.

Boy, was I wrong. I graduated with honors (Magna Cum Laude) and a ton of work experience and still, weeks after graduation, I have not received any serious calls.  Even though, I started applying before school ended.

*hold on, I have a point*

I did everything within my power to prevent having to give up my job. When I realized that I had an option of waiting to be fired because of attendance or putting in my notice, I put in my two week notice because that was the “right” thing to do. The “right” thing turned out to work against me (in my mind) because when I filed for unemployment benefits, I was denied for putting in the notice. The school kept the extra “scholarship” money and I had absolutely no income to pay room, board and other bills. I do not like this feeling or situation. This does not at all reflect the “greatness” that I felt before.

However, in the midst of this chaos, I am concluding that sometimes greatness is in the journey not in the destination. Every scripture that I have read and experience that I have had, prepared me for right now! It is in our battles that we see the fruit of our relationship with God. I am living within a testimony and He is allowing me the gift to see it while I am in the middle.

If I were having this conversation with one of my friends about his or her life, my advice would be to seek God, listen for his voice and follow his instructions without worrying about all of the other details. This time? I have to encourage myself and believe that I AM great – right here, right now, without the tangible evidence to show. I have to believe that God will honor my effort and persistence. I believe that all of my prayers are coming into fruition and this waiting period is a part of the process. His Will be done.


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